i will probably jump back and forth a lot. first i want to thank you for our brief time. it was more formative for me than i knew at the time and sometimes the perspective it gives me feels like the looking glass from the spiderwick chronicles. i hope you know my actions were never guided by malice or dissatisfaction towards you. it came from overconfidence and recklessness that completely inflated my sense of awareness and understanding of myself. 

i wont act like i can understand what followed for you, but i am sorry for how i treated you. when all was said and done i did everything wrong by hurting you financially and mentally, then pulling the rug.

i struggle with understanding my own emotions, and historically processing large events looks more like compartmentalizing rather than seek to understand. as i have grown more, i realized i voiced that to you but with the premise that i had enough self awareness to be proactive. it feels like i live in a dichotomy of being filled with overconfidence from understanding my mechanisms that i struggle to control, and the reality is i am simply aware of something happening to me. i think this led me to really misjudge where i was mentally and with the image of myself and my life.

the decisions i made following us, were negatives with sprinkles of good decision making. i could go on and on explaining my brain but i wont and i bring it up to say i think i have came farther with my head and looking back is just embarrassing and shameful and and i think writing this maybe helping me organize my thoughts on it that are reoccurring.

i don't think i was prepared for you to come into my life, the things i did before you, the way i saw the world and socializing, the meaning of life purpose, all of these things were skewed for me. you were a breath of fresh air and i withdrew and went back into the smokey room where i felt comfortable and shut in again by pushing away anything new or uncharted. there's so many layers to why, with each being more unimpressive than the next.

my memory is never great, but times with you have been easy to remember.  i think about the conversations we used to have. warm days, reality tv, regretfully drinking whiteclaw surges, its so easy for me to remember the stimulation that came with conversations with you, whether it was talking about the lukewarm water at the italian place in portland or about a government conspiracy doc about 9/11 that you had to watch for class.

i keep looking back at this and questioning what is relevant to say, and im not sure anything is. its making it hard to write because everything i think of and feel related to this is relevant in my eyes, im realizing now how long this would be if i kept going, and how half of it would sound like a broken record, i have so many more words for you but i think i have made sense of some things and maybe i will update the page and add more as time goes im not sure. 

i cant imagine all the angles of this message, if you read it. i have no idea how it will come off, how you feel. i did't want this to sound like an apology tour, id hope i can express that in other ways that are more alligned. i have no intentions of rehashing old pain or confusion, i dont expect anything from you and sorry if this was a hard read, selfishly i seek some remanence of closure but i understand i gave you a botched and broken version of closure before so i cant be selfish and expect you to be part of mine.