my thoughts are like a tornado so this will not be well formatted and i will probably jump back and forth a lot. this will be a lot of things, first i want to thank you for our brief time. it was more formative than i knew at the time. by no means were my actions guided by malice, but by overconfidence and recklessness. i wont act like i can understand what followed for you, as the end was abrupt. when all was said and done i did everything wrong, i hurt you financially, mentally, and pump faked you.

i struggle with understanding my own emotions, and historically processing large events, as I have grown more i realized i voiced that to you but with the premise that i had enough awareness about that to be proactive. I think i live in a dichotomy of being filled with overconfidence by understanding mechanisms and such, as if it means I can control them unlike someone who is "normal". I know that's not the case, and the reality is the awareness is just a hyper analysis of something happening, that's all. this led me to really misjudge where i was mentally, in life, and where i was with the image of me.

the decisions i made following us, were negatives with sprinkles of good decision making. i could go on and on explaining my brain but i wont and i bring it up to say i think i have came farther with my head and looking back is just embarrassing and shameful and i cant get over confronting that whether its in general or line by line. i don't think i was prepared for you to come into my life, the things i did before you, the way i saw the world and socializing, the meaning of life purpose, all of these things were skewed for me. you were a breath of fresh air and i withdrew and went back into the smoke where i felt comfortable and pushed you away, there's so many layers to why, with each being more unimpressive than the next.

my memory is spotty around the past few years but one thing has remained and that's the thoughts of the conversation we used to have (I have a lot to say about the romantic and emotional, but I don't this it makes sense to make this into that). its hard for me to remember much without really diving deep in camera roll, but its so easy for me to remember the stimulation that came with conversations with you, whether it was talking about the water at the italian place in portland or about a 9/11 doc you had to watch for class.

im realizing now how long this would be if i kept going, and how half of it would sound like a broken record, im sorry duffy.
i cant image all the angles of this message, if you read it. i have no idea how it will come off, how you feel, etc. i have no intentions of rehashing old pain or confusion, i dont expect anything from you and sorry if this was a hard read, selfishly i seek some remanence of closure but i understand i gave you a botched and broken version of closure before.